If your sex life needs a helping hand, fear not. We talked to a professional sex surrogate to learn how to fix the most common problems, as well as tips for how to have a mind-blowing time in the sack. Warning: It's juicy.
This article was writen by Suny Sea Gold from www.womenshealthmag.co.uk
This article was writen by Suny Sea Gold from www.womenshealthmag.co.uk
Many men have paid Linda Poelzl to spice up their sex lives. But she’s not part of the world’s oldest profession, or in fact one third of a suburban ménage à trois. No. Ms Poelzl is a sex surrogate partner. Sex surrogacy is a big deal in the States – you may remember last year’s film The Sessions starring Helen Hunt as a surrogate to John Hawkes’ paralysed poet.
Sex surrogates help men, women and couples who want to amp up their sex lives by getting in on the action. That means an average day at work for Poelzl might involve giving hand jobs to (hey, no sniggering back there) male clients, showing women how to touch themselves and experiment with sex toys, and watching couples get down and dirty. While you may never actually sit in her waitingroom, here she shares her experiences to help you improve things in your own boudoir.
1/ THE ISSUE: HE ALWAYS GETS OFF JUST A BIT TOO QUICKLY
One of the most common problems Poelzl sees in her practice is premature ejaculation, and she is keen to set the record straight. “Women think that if a guy comes quickly, it’s because he’s just so turned on,” she says. “But it’s often because he’s scared or anxious about the relationship – he could even be preoccupied with trying to make you climax.”
The solution: Ease his mind by letting him know it’s okay to linger on the way to the finish line. Poelzl does this with slow hand jobs, getting “[the men to] tell me how close they are to orgasm on a scale from zero to 10.” She aims to get a man to stay at about a six on that scale for at least 15 minutes (ordinary women need not try to imitate Poelzl’s stamina). Now, we know that having your partner shout out numbers might feel awkward if you try this at home, so go for a similar e ffect by telling him you want to make him feel good for as long as possible, and then start stimulating him and ask him to warn you when he’s on the way to orgasm so you can ease up. To slow things down, “stroke up his belly and chest or down his thighs during the hand job,” says Poelzl. Try having a glass of wine together before, too – studies show it can delay ejaculation. Bottoms up!
2/ THE ISSUE: YOU JUST DON’T EVER HAVE AN ORGASM
Yes, Poelzl’s female clients often have the opposite problem to that of men. But, in her experience, many women who think they’re not having orgasms are just experiencing tiny ones. “Just not the screaming ones you see in movies,” she says. To strengthen them (and who wouldn’t want that?), Poelzl teaches women to use breath, movement and sound.
The solution: During sex, lots of us take nervous, shallow breaths, but Poelzl says that you should take full, deep stomach inhales instead. Then start moving. She recommends rocking the pelvis by gently squeezing your bum muscles and tilting up the pelvis. When you press back down, arch your back. As for sound, making noise helps you to be more expressive with your body as well. If you are shy of going for the full When Harry Met Sally straightaway, then why not “start small, with an audible sigh,” says Poelzl. Then clinch an orgasm by adding a Kegel squeeze as you push yourself towards him – or your vibrator. Poelzl points out that vibrators give the kind of clitoral stimulation most women need to get o ff. She suggests bringing one to bed and using it yourself when you’re on top, or handing it to him to help you finish. We can recommend The Wi-Vibe touch (£49.99, bondara.co.uk), which is shaped to fit in the palm of your hand. Did someone say hand job?
3/ THE ISSUE: ONE OF YOU NEEDS TO STEP UP YOUR SKILLS
Poelzl recalls the misguided attempts of one new bride who came to her: “She would grab her husband’s penis and jab her tongue in to his urethral opening,” she says. “For guys, bad technique often centres around being rough or hurrying. “I advise men, ‘before you get in there wiggling your fingers around, warm her up.’”
The solution: Here’s an easy blow job booster: wrap your hand around the base of his penis and pull down very slightly so the skin is nice and taut – this will heighten sensation. In return, Poelzl suggests that the man place his hand over the woman’s vulva, with his palm on the mound and his fingers hanging down towards the vagina. “This makes a woman want more, mostly because he’s not just digging around down there before she is ready.” So, a bit like Grand Designs then…
4/ THE ISSUE: HE NEEDS TO WATCH PORN TO GET EXCITED
If he needs more than a few deep kisses and a glimpse of your thigh to get going, pulling out all the stops in bed isn’t necessarily the answer, says Poelzl. A lot of the time, he has to tackle this on his own.
The solution: “If he only masturbates while sitting in a chair at his computer, he needs to change that,” says Poelzl. Tell him your fantasies. “That’s better than porn,” says Poelzl. “It gets a guy in his imagination rather than staring at the screen.” If you have trouble bringing up your fantasies, try downloading the 69 Places – Sex Locations app for some inspiration. That’s one way to find a new use for your piano...
5/ THE ISSUE: HE GOES SOFT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX
It’s deflating – in all ways – but guys of all ages can lose their erections, says Poelzl. Barring medical issues, younger men go soft because they’re nervous or worried about something.
The solution: If this happens, don’t make a big deal out of it. “Take a break,” says Poelzl. “Acknowledge, relax, and connect, and the erection will probably come back.” If you’re feeling cheeky, “tell him that you’re going to touch him all over and that under no circumstances can he get hard. It often works.” Try using a soft latex ring like the Durex Play Little Devil Cock Ring (£6.99, lovehoney.co.uk). Poelzl advises to “stretch it around the base of his shaft to slow the outflow of the blood so it gives a firmer erection for longer.” The devil horns also provides clitoral stimulation – and a few laughs. Singing the chorus of I’m horny, horny, horny, horny is optional.
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